Good morning/afternoon/evening everyone! When ever you are reading this, I hope you are having a good day so far. Let’s see where we left off… Oh yes, last you heard from me I climbed a 14er. Since then, Chas and I visited the Great Sand Dunes and Zapata Falls outside of Alamosa, Colorado last weekend. The hike was incredibly easy to the falls, just a quick half an hour. We climbed through an ice cold creek through a small, dark canyon to witness the sun shining through the water fall. The water misted our bodies, while blasting through the rocks above, cooling us down for the walk back. Remy and Waylon can’t stand being too far from us. Chas began to climb higher towards the water fall along jagged rocks, little did he know Waylon was right by his side. Remy was soaked. I placed him on a dry rock in the sun, but he wanted to be close to the action. I ended up carrying him back to the small beachy area to warm up.
Since we’ve moved to Colorado I have been dying to visit the Sand Dunes. People would say how beach like it was and that there are many hiking trails, a waterfall, and sunflowers! Oh, how I loved the fields of sunflowers. Early in the morning, I walked around the campsite having my own little photo shoot with the yellow sun beams and flowers surrounding us. Then I climbed onto the truck to get a better view of the Dunes in the distance. Chas and I love to go camping. We are basically professional campers after have worked at the pack station last summer. Life just feel’s more meaningful out in nature. Collecting wood and tinder for heat and light (and coffee). No service or internet. Waking up to the fresh crisp and clean air. Letting the sun warm you from the outside in. Conversing with your close ones and watching the stars together is what it’s all about.
Last night, Chas and I sat outside on the porch with our pups and started a small fire in the chiminea. We reclined back and enjoyed a short viewing of the meteor shower. I think we may have seen about ten shooting meteors in twenty minutes. I love the long trails they create. After the long night we grew sleepy and fell asleep on the couch.
Sundays to me mean cartoons, cereal, sleeping in and spending time together. I just love my days off with Chas on Sundays. He works so hard and long hours during the week, it’s nice to lay back and relax together. Its been a year already since Chas has proposed and now we are a week away from becoming together as one. I honestly can’t wait. I can’t believe it either. I never pictured myself getting married, I don’t think Chas did either. It’s funny how things work out. I always pictured my life playing out differently, I’m sure we all do I guess. When I was young, growing up with a single mom, never married, I just assumed I would most likely end up living that same lifestyle. Then, I graduated high school, then college. That’s when I met Chas. I remember seeing him across the hall with his door wide open and music blaring through the hallway. My door was open as well. I looked out and there he was. He said he was spring cleaning… It was fall. I had a major crush on him. It was his shyness I think is what made my heart pound. He was mysterious and quiet but at the same time he had the biggest personality in the room. We both stayed in the dorms for Christmas while all of the other students went home to celebrate with their families. We had only known each other for two weeks when his best friend passed away. It was hard at 18 years old dealing with the death of a close friend, but I had also experienced a tragic death and decided to be there for him. We were simply together at that point. It was an unspoken agreement that we would always be there for each other no matter what. Now, we are getting married and buying a home. It sounds like a fairy-tale.
When I began counseling, I was looking for an answer. I wanted something to grasp onto. So, I shared this with my therapist and she asked me to write down a list of my fears and needs. I was scared of my wedding day. Not in the sense of getting cold feet, but that I would have to go about the day without my mother. I told friends not to bring up her name. I was trying to avoid at all costs sobbing and loosing control of my big day. I was fearful that I would have a panic attack and not be able to control my emotions. What I felt like I needed was some kind of mantra or advice. I wasn’t sure what it was but that’s why she makes the big bucks, to tell me what I want to hear. I wanted her to give me all of the answers to my grief and anxiety. I will share with you a poem she gave me.
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love,
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I’m learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
There is Absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.
This wasn’t it for me. This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I am the type of person that likes an end date. I look at everything in life like a to do list, and I get some kind of stupid satisfaction once I get to check it off the list.
I read it once more when I got home. It was upsetting in the way that I am going to be feeling this way for a long time, but comforting knowing that it’s okay. I am allowed to feel down for a while. I just have to learn how to live with this grief and not let it control me.
Yesterday, when I had another session, we had a breakthrough! She didn’t even know it when she said it. The answer I’ve been searching for, “surrender”. Ahhh, what a relief it is to finally surrender. It gives me goosebumps sharing this with you. The word is so powerful to me it’s making me tear up. It was there all along. Why the word surrender you may ask? Well, when I began taking up yoga I was guide into a pose called pigeon. If you don’t know what this pose is, it can be painful, unless you surrender to the stretch. Once she said that, I just let go of trying to monitor things, and breathed through the pain until we shortly moved on. If you decide to be stoic with your feelings, you just hurt. You stop breathing, get anxious and panic. We are afraid of fear and work ourselves up creating more stress than necessary. If you patiently allow yourself to feel, you are able to experience the sweet release and move on to the next thing. Just give in because this too shall pass.
I left with a smile and my heart in the right place. I got what I needed. I have the answer. and I surrender.
Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and
becoming comfortable with not knowing.