As I am writing this, it is exactly one month before my wedding day. Approaching this day has been kinda scary to be honest with you. Since my moms passing I have been feeling alone. I don’t mean to be disrespectful to everyone who has been there for me during this difficult time, I really do appreciate all of you, it’s just not the same. She was who I went to, the one who actually gave a shit about anything I had to say. I told her everything and she told me everything. I didn’t realize how well I knew her until I had to give all of her information to the cremation society and the lawyer and the tax lady…
Chas, as you all may know from my previous blog, https://adoxiedorylife.com/2017/06/19/spark-of-joy/ has been extremely supportive through my time of grief. The day after my panic attack he found a therapist that I could speak to if I wanted. Seeing a therapist wasn’t how I thought I would ever handle my problems. I figured all she would do was dig up more pain, uncork that bottle stuffed way down inside and drown me with an agonizing reality. Didn’t sound too pleasant. After speaking with my friend and aunt, I realized that she could possibly help me.
photo by Jeremey Lockett
I finally asked Chas for her number and called her on Thursday. She had me in her schedule for Saturday morning. My friend recommended her as well the day before which made me feel better about going. I can’t do this on my own and not only can’t I, but I shouldn’t have to. It hurts me to share my pain with friends, coworkers and family. I feel like a burden and that it’s all about me. I look at it as using my resources. I don’t want to be that girl who lost her mom and that’s all she ever talks about. It sucks. It realllly sucks.
Ugh, it was hard. It was so hard for me to wrap my head around all of this. It’s not that I had to share my feelings with a stranger, that doesn’t bother me. Letting it all out. That, is what’s scary. Ugh is the only word I can express to you how I am feeling. There’s a pit in my stomach. Before I went to the therapist, I decided to make a yoga class. The yoga class I attended was called Anusara, which is what I am currently studying taught by Annie, the owner of The Yoga Tonic. It is based on the philosophy that life is a gift in which we are invited to remember and celebrate in our yoga practice. It is based on flow and alignment. I didn’t want to miss it. The thing with yoga is that it opens up my locked box of vulnerability. I was using alcohol as the key, still do sometimes, but this seems like a healthier option. Chas has cut back on drinking too. He’s such a good influence on me. It’s funny how someone else’s actions can impact you in such a positive way. I feel that he subconsciously saw how alcohol was negatively effecting me and this is his way of being supportive.
photos by Faith Delay
I remember the first time I had tried yoga. I was at my home in the living room, the carpet un-vacuumed, couch chewed up by the dogs, board games stacked high on an antique crate, windows sealed shut because they were from the 1800’s and our humongous TV covered in dust. In the random collection of DVD’s there was a Denise Austin Yoga video. I was about fifteen years old when I started watching her tapes on a regular basis. That was the beginning of my yoga journey, moving along with Denise without a yoga mat or even a pair of yoga pants. I don’t know why my mom bought that DVD, but I am forever grateful that she had. She’s put me on a path to happiness, thanks Mom.
photos by Rob Marofsky
My mom had known that I had signed up for my 200 hour teacher training, she was so proud and excited for me. She always called me her flower child, I was her free spirit. I lived a life that she wanted and now I have a purpose through the rest of it. I feel her during my practice. Every time I am in the studio my sorrow pours out. It’s quite embarrassing to cry in class. I understand that it’s normal for things to arise when you open up and expose your weakness. Being in a yoga community is very comforting and I hope that this will help me reach some kind of peace with my mothers premature death.
If nothing else, it really aided me to open up to my new therapist. It wasn’t two minutes before I fell apart. All she asked me was who and how… That’s all it took. It breaks my heart to have to explain my mom in that way. She deserved better than that. Today was just a starting point. We got to know each other, I shared my life story, sprinkled in some feelings and the cherry on top, you guessed it, I’m seeing her again next weekend.
My concluding decision to make an appointment was the one month marker of my wedding. I need answers and no one has them. Maybe she will give me something to hold onto for my big day and other significant life events to come. She told me how happy she was that I had someone to talk to and that I have a yoga practice. Also having some kind of spirituality to grasp onto and meditating are healthy for me right now. If I continue to express how I feel, like crying in yoga… and in therapy…whilst communicating to others what I need, I might be able to have a grasp on her absence. I think my wedding day can still be a happy day without my mom there. I plan to save her a seat, I’ll still need her there nonetheless.