Spark of Joy

Howdy ya’ll! This weekend I attended FIBArk. I have honestly been waiting for so so long to experience this white water festival. I’ve gone so far as to quit my second job to be able to have a fun filled summer. It began on Wednesday night and to say the least I’m crazy exhausted and all tapped out. Eddyline Brewery sponsored the event. I enjoyed their Grapefruit Yanker IPA most of the time and Vino Salida’s sangria’s, except on Saturday morning when I grabbed delicious sparkling Riesling mimosas.

I think what I enjoyed most about FIBArk was socializing with my girls. My girlfriend Kate came down from Denver with her pups RVCA and Hurley. Remy absolutely loves RVCA. He get’s so excited when I say her name. She was the reason I wanted a doxie. Kate and I enjoyed dancing and playing games on the door guy at the Vic. We eventually got brave enough to ride some carnival rides but once we went to the ticket booth they turned off the lights, phew… saved by the bell.


The one event that I really wanted to see was the Hooligan race which unfortunately I missed by a whisker. The Hooligan race was an event where a team builds a raft and competes to see who can go the farthest without it breaking. Folks usually make them real silly looking. A couple events that I watched were kayakers and SUP boarders in the play-holes and bikers ramping off and doing back flips into the river. There was also free music in the park all weekend long and bands at all the bars. I can safely say that FIBArk was a success and now need to hydrate and go get groceries.

Last night I had my very first panic attack… it was horrible. Man oh man I can’t explain what came over me. What had triggered it was well one, the alcohol intake and two, there was a girl in the who started talking with me. She was wearing a white top, a veil and a golden “Bride” temporary tattoo. I don’t know why but at that moment I broke in half. I couldn’t control my breathing, stop crying, or even stand. It took me over an hour to walk home which is only like five blocks. Chas carried me the whole way, my legs were weak and my chest had exploded. I just kept repeating that, “I can’t, I can’t.” I had moments when my body went against me and I dropped to the ground. I was hit with a flood of emotion and I could not stop. I sat down once I got home and stared at my moms ashes. I played a couple of recordings that I had saved from my voicemail. Chas was so strong helping me through this painful attack. Chest to chest we took breaths together. He stood me up tall and strong and held me until the agony subsided.


Today we got away from it all. Left all of the hustle and bustle behind us. Chas, the dogs, and I drove up to Mt. Shavano. We parked the truck at our favorite spot, hiked in a ways and dropped a line in the flowing river. The water was nice and cool on my feet. Precious Remy was leaping through the knee high grass like a deer chasing ground squirrels while Waylon decided to march in the river and scare away all of the fish. The chirping birds  and the sound of the wind and water calmed me. Flowers were just beginning to bloom. I found strawberries and wild roses. I felt at peace out there secluded with the ones I love. I think if I focus on moments like these I can get through this. I can find a spark of joy in life because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what I see ahead is a dark but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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